Sunday, March 4, 2012

Blessing in Disguise

Sometimes I have pain. It's mysterious at best. Like when I'm trying to go to sleep at night and there's a wrinkle in the sheet and it feels like I'm laying on a huge tree root and feeling bruised though it's not. Or like then I lay on my side and my top foot rests on my bottom foot and it feels painful and the bottom foot starts cramping or feeling bruised. Or like when sometimes my neck and shoulders feel like maybe my head has been too heavy and the job of holding it up is just too much, so I seek out a massage from my Honey but it hurts too bad to let him touch me. Or when wearing a bra (or anything elastic) is just too painful- as if it's suddenly gotten too small and is cutting me to bits, though it's not and I haven't put on any weight. I even went to an ENT thinking it was becauwse I might be allergic to elastic (latex) but I wasn't. Yesterday I was folding laundry- nothing heavy- socks or something ridiculous- and suddenly my heels started hurting like I was holding something very heavy. I'm far too young to hurt like this! I feel like the Princess from Princess and the Pea. Recently I've developed pain in my left hand (which seems like it's not a big deal except I'm very left handed) that prevents me from picking up anything heavier than a small cup of coffee. Sometimes I can't even pick that up. It's ridiculous! That has been happening for months now. It is very frustrating because I can't make my bed or get the laundry out of the washer because tugging hurts too bad.

My poor husband- I burn him up all the time. I can't seem to get warm. I thought maybe I had a fever but I haven't had one at all. I'm always cold. I stay in the kitchen most often because the wood stove is in here. It's not like I'm sitting around not creating heat- I just can't seem to keep it! I pile on clothes and move as much as I can aerobically without hurting too much, but still- cold. There has been one really great thing- the sunshine. I have never enjoyed it as much as I do after a shower if the bathroom is warm and the sun is streaming in. :) I don't hurt or freeze then. We are remodeling the whole house (including the now demolished bathroom) so it will be a while before I can get that lovely sunshine in there again. For now we shower in the laundry room and use the bathroom upstairs. I do feel my poor Honey has got a bum deal! At night when I'm asleep, it seems that all the heat I didn't produce during the day is produced at night. He says I'm like a furnace sometimes.

There's a bit of disorientation sometimes. I noticed that some years ago. Often I feel like I have just woken up from a dream. When I turn around, sometimes I don't know where I am- only for a split second though. That has been very disconcerting and not anything I've told my Honey. I think it's from lack of good sleep though. I saw this Twilight Zone once where this man was afraid to sleep because he was sure he would dream a certain dream and would die. He fell asleep and died just like he thought he would. I'm sure if I would sleep well I would feel better the next day. Maybe that is all any of it is. I think a lack of sleep can probably make a person crazy! The worst thing about it is, I'm so tired that I do nap- for hours sometimes- but I don't feel like I've rested when I get up. I feel more like I didn't have a choice and I pass out. Maybe everyone has feelings of being disoriented sometimes. There's a certain spot in my drive from Boone to home that I really can never figure out where I am. That has always happened though. It's somewhere near Linville Ridge- it's all just tree lined trees in what seems like forever driving at that point.

You know another thing? When you have mysterious pain, everyone tells you what can cure it. I have been guilty of it myself. I eat well- better than most. I do not drink soft drinks, don't eat much sugar (I usually use honey if I can), make all our bread products at home from freshly ground flour, eat plenty of whole grains, fresh organic fruits and veggies, wild caught fish, eggs from my own free range chickens, venison from the deep woods, and I even avoid the nightshades (peppers, potatoes, tomatoes) because of joint pain. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I even drink water from my own well that is filtered twice and re-mineralized! I go so far as to drink real milk and make homemade yogurt and some cheeses from it! My family really appreciates it but I don't get complete relief. I have to say, I am truly sorry to anyone who I have advised before without having any idea what I am talking about. I think most people mean well, but to look at me like I'm crazy because something they are doing to me hurts me (like a clap on the back or a firm handshake) is really annoying. Well, I usually keep my distance (I don't let people touch me if I can help it), so it hasn't happened often. You know how at church you're supposed to hug and shake hands with folks? How I wish I could still do that!

I'm so glad I have the family I have. My Honey brought in the firewood and stoked the fire even though it ends up being the thing that separates us from hanging out. He comes into the kitchen where I am and just chats with me for a while. Sometimes he even comes in and offers to get me something to drink! It's a really big deal because you know- I am in the kitchen already. I love that! My girls just fill in my blanks for me. They find the words I can't. For example- I once was talking about "pants" and I just kept saying "leg things." While we all got a chuckle out of it, they knew what I meant and set to work putting their Dad's laundry away. If I'm giving them instructions I will call the wrong name of a thing 5 or 6 times before I hit on what I meant to say. They don't make fun of me or feel ashamed. They just listen. I love that! It does make for some interesting homeschool lessons! Fortunately, they are self educators and we have plenty of books full of words the authors mean to say!

I haven't been to the doctor for any of this. The last time I went to a doctor (who I absolutely trusted and loved) for weird things like this they offered me antidepressants. It was about a dozen years ago. I don't have a real love relationship with any doctors now. My whole family has been run through the mill by many different docs over the years. I think most of them don't know what they are doing- that's why it's called a "practice." But seriously- I don't have money to throw at not getting to the bottom of what all this is about. We have done a fair amount of research on our own and discovered some things. Both Scott and I think it's fibromyalgia. There are a few other things my symptoms could be, but taken all together, that was the only thing. After talking to people with it and telling them what I felt like, they thought so too. So, there we have saved tens of thousands of dollars by doing the research (though it has taken years- wait it still might have taken years with doctors) ourselves.

You know what though? In all this I still feel so blessed!! I remember sometimes being called the wrong name by my Granny when I was little. She had many of us children always around, so of course she was going to make mistakes. Some kids made fun and teased. She just made it a joke too. She is great like that. I am so blessed to have learned how to roll with the punches from so great a woman! I am blessed to have daughters who still look to me even though they know I am not perfect! I am blessed to have a husband who doesn't feel like he got a raw deal marrying a woman with chronic problems.